It was the 28th of
August 2012, one year ago today. It was a day that now that I am far removed from;
I can look back on with a sense of joy and an underlying tone of sadness. You
see, one year ago today I was sitting in the dining room of the St. Thomas of
Villanova Monastery as a bright eyed and enthusiastic Pre-Novice with the Order
of St. Augustine. Spread out in front of me was the best of the best. I’m
talking about filet mignon, lobster tail, and enough booze to make a Manhattan
for every student on Villanova’s fine campus. The celebration (for those of you
who don’t know) was of course for the feast day of St. Augustine, the spiritual
father and namesake of the Augustinians, or as many of my Augustinian brothers referred
to it as Augustine’s day.
I remember looking around the
dining room at the hundred or so priests and brothers and thinking, “wow after
a year of waiting, I am finally a part of this.” I was honored, inspired, and
moved to be sitting in the same room and dining at the same table as so many
holy men. I thought of the thousands of confessions, masses, baptisms and other
sacraments that had been performed by the priests in the room, as well as the
countless hours of service to the Church in so many ways that the wonderful lay
brothers had given up at the expense of their own lives. It was so profound and
almost romantic, sitting in the middle of a room full of people who had
dedicated their whole lives to God. How wonderful was it too, that we had all
gathered together during my first week in the Order in order celebrate the day
that the Church had designated to celebrate our our founder. How beautiful and triumphant
it was to lift up the man, who some 17 centuries ago, birthed my vocation in a
small monastery in northern Africa, and what an honor it was to celebrate not
only a great Saint but a spiritual father as well. Little did I know that only
eight short months later I would leave Philadelphia and the Augustinians on a
plane headed home, a bit depressed and with as my Mother says best, “No
direction in life.”
I am still trying to figure things out
with my life, but the point that I wanted to share with you, this being my first
blog post, is that our lives are not our own. Only a year ago I was so excited
to live out my life as an Augustinian and hopefully someday a Catholic priest,
but over the months of prayerful discernment it became clear to me that this wasn’t
what God was calling me to do. Even though my leaving left a huge hole in my
heart, that still hasn’t healed, I knew when I left that I was not doing what I
wanted, but instead following God’s plan for me.
Today while reading the tail end of
the book of Romans I was introduced to an experienced but wide-eyed Apostle Paul,
who expressed great desire and dreams. While writing to his fellow Christians
in Rome, Paul repeats several times that his plans were to make it to Spain.
The zealous apostle of our Lord had the desire to literally go to the end of
the world proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ. As you probably know Paul
never made it to Spain, and while he sat on the executioner’s block I am sure
that he felt somewhat like a failure. But we must remember that it was not God’s
plan for Paul to go to Spain, instead God planned for him to do something
greater. For the words that were written or inspired by St. Paul fill up the
majority of the New Testament and through his words he assisted in bringing
Christ not only to Spain, but all reaches of the world.
You and I must remember that just
because God hasn’t called us to do exactly what we dreamed of or serve him in a
particularly way that we may have envisioned, that we are all called to
holiness, we are all called to love. There is not a single Saint who has been canonized
for the things that they have done, but instead they are recognized and honored
for the way that they lived; their holiness. So remember to pray without
ceasing, love God with all your heart, and live life in a way that is not yours
but His!
I guess that is why I have decided
to write this blog, to challenge myself as well as my fellow Christians. The
title of my blog is, “In Search of Truth”. My prayer is that the words that I
write down assist others in realizing that to be truly Christian doesn’t mean
to be a feel-good hippy Jesus lover, but instead it means to be a sacrificial lover and a pursuer of truth. That is what Jesus’
message was about, to always seek truth, be honest with yourself, and as
Augustine says first, “love and then everything else.” So thank you so much for
taking the time out of your day to read this shoddily put together blog (I promise
a much higher quality from now on) and have a great day never forgetting that
you are beautifully and wonderfully made.
-Logan D. Cox 8/28/2013 Quincy, IL
